Our kisses felt like orgasms..
Remember when we stood out in the rain, on top of that balcony in Midtown, and kissed for what felt like hours.
We missed the orchestra that night.
I never thought we’d actually ever get the chance to live together, but now it’s been one month since we’ve been sharing a bed.
Funny to think that we even have a daughter together, after all the things we’ve gone through.
All the leaving and goodbyes and circle after circle of trying and trying and failing again.
I wish I could listen to Ed Sheeran without thinking of you..
I already know how corny that sounds, but this is my safe space.
Did you see how bad the first line was?
…
I thought not having a chance to think about things would push me into the present, and make me a happier person somehow.
For the most part, it’s possible on some level that it has worked, but now I feel exhausted from not being able to think.
And every time I have time to myself, or you’re not around, everything comes back to the surface, begging to be sorted.
Like flotsam and detritus.
I wish I could listen to what things are trying to tell me.
…
..Who knew you were so controlling.
I did not.
I knew you were untidy.
I knew you were self-centered.
I did not think you were controlling.
Seems like, when I voice something I have decided or maybe point out something I want or like, you turn it into what you feel like I should do or decide or get.
In other words, you want to make me fit into your idea of what works best in your opinion.
And you try to construct time for me to have to myself.
As in, you spontaneously decide to come back from work early and say that I can then use the time to write or go to a cafe and do some work, but I don’t work like that.
My mind feels jostled and I suddenly feel disinterested in doing any of those things when spontaneously sprung onto me.
I have to have it planned so that I can be in the mindset to do the work.
Maybe you think I’m incapable.
…
Am I selfish for wanting to sleep in the middle of you and our daughter?
I don’t know why.
Also I don’t know why I even try anymore.
Try to make love to you anymore.
When I don’t feel cared for.
I don’t feel like you even want me.
I don’t feel satisfied.
You don’t even touch me.
Our rhythm is off.
I don’t feel myself giving in to your body.
I don’t even feel confident.
I don’t feel like anything to you.
Maybe you can’t wait to move on.
…
I still hope for marriage.
Another baby.
…
But I’m aggravated that I feel like a housewife already.
With cleaning up after you everyday.
And listening to you haggle me over whether the bowls are on the top or bottom rack of the dishwasher.
How I clean the bathroom too often.
About the cleaning products I choose to use.
While I have to clean your hair from the shower, the sink, the countertop, the toilet, and the floor.
While you leave toothpaste and food debris from your teeth in the sink I just cleaned.
While you leave your dishes after you’ve just seen me wash.
While you leave food and tea leaves in the kitchen sink, without washing them down.
While you leave napkins everywhere, from the bathroom, to the bedside, to the table, and on the counter.
But you spend an outstanding amount of time criticizing me.
And you know it.
…
This week, you are gone and already I feel relieved.
You asked me once about how I feel about our living situation.
Obviously, I would want you to stay with us, as a family.
But it’s pointless if we are going nowhere.
Why else would I want to put up with you.
…
